


Could've Loved You Better

by celeste9



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Backstory, Bruises, Childhood Sweethearts, Established Relationship, M/M, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 20:04:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7905826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He is afraid that Ben is saying they can’t do this anymore, they can’t be Ben and Poe, they have to grow up and grow apart. He thinks Ben means that he is going to be a Jedi Knight who doesn’t have time for childhood loves and Navy pilots. He thinks that Ben is going to hurt him but doesn’t know how to do it yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Could've Loved You Better

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt, 'things you said that I wasn't meant to hear'. The title is from one of the songs used in Inside Llewyn Davis, 'Last Thing On My Mind'.

Sometimes Poe is still surprised by how tall Ben has gotten in the time they’ve been apart. He shot up like a reed, it seems, and he is still skinny as a rail but now Poe has to look up to meet his eyes. 

Poe likes it. He lies with his head nestled against Ben’s chest and Ben’s fingers gently stroking his arm and can’t remember ever feeling this content. Ben will be gone again soon; they are lucky to have even this time together. Ben has his training and Poe has his flying and sometimes Poe wonders if their lives will ever intersect properly again. 

But this is good, right now. Poe lets his eyes drift closed and thinks, yes, this is good.

He isn’t sure how much time has passed when Ben speaks, his words a soft murmur. Poe almost thinks maybe he’s dreaming it. 

“I’m sorry,” Ben says.

Poe doesn’t think he’s meant to hear. He thinks Ben must think he’s asleep, which is a fair conclusion to draw. Poe should probably just go along with it; he’s more than halfway there anyway. He should let Ben have his quiet confession, one he can’t make to Poe’s face.

Except Poe can’t.

“For what?” he says. Even Poe can hear the sleep-rough edge to his voice.

Ben flinches, the back-and forth drag of his fingers on Poe’s skin stilling. “Nothing,” he mutters. “I thought you were asleep.”

“Only mostly,” Poe says, rubbing his hand over Ben’s chest. “Tell me, Ben. Sorry for what?”

Ben hesitates, swallowing thickly. “Just… just for what I’ll do. I’m sorry.”

Poe shifts, sits up and straddles Ben’s waist. He keeps his hands on Ben’s chest, looks intently at Ben’s face, at the way Ben won’t quite meet his eyes. “You can’t be sorry for something you haven’t done.”

“But I am,” Ben whispers.

“Then don’t do it. Then you won’t have to be sorry.”

Poe can see the struggle on Ben’s face, the war of emotions that must be going on inside him, and it makes him ache. 

Ben says, “It’s not that simple.”

“Make it that simple,” Poe says, leaning forward. He kisses Ben’s face, his cheekbone, the corner of his mouth. He is afraid that Ben is saying they can’t do this anymore, they can’t be Ben and Poe, they have to grow up and grow apart. He thinks Ben means that he is going to be a Jedi Knight who doesn’t have time for childhood loves and Navy pilots. He thinks that Ben is going to hurt him but doesn’t know how to do it yet. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Ben says, gripping Poe’s waist. Even his hands are bigger. His eyes are closed, his lashes dark against his pale skin.

“Please,” Poe says, pressing his cheek against Ben’s. He feels an absurd desire to cry but he holds it back. “Please, Ben. Just talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I can’t. I can’t, Poe, don’t make me.”

“I can help you. Please let me help you.”

“You can’t help me,” Ben says, his breath hitching. 

Frustrated, Poe breathes out in an exhale against Ben’s skin. Ben’s fingers are digging into Poe’s flesh and he thinks he’ll have bruises there tomorrow.

Maybe that’s the last thing Ben will ever give him.

Poe pulls back, runs the backs of his knuckles over Ben’s cheeks. Ben’s eyes flutter open and his gaze darts over Poe’s chest, his chin, briefly up to his eyes and then down again. “Whatever is going on with you, you can tell me, Ben. Please talk to me. You don’t have to be alone.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Then help me to understand!”

Ben’s eyes are wide and he stares up at Poe. He slides his hands up Poe’s sides and settles them into Poe’s hair, tugging and pulling. He worries at his lip, saliva glistening in the dim light. “Just… Just… Poe. _Please_.” He sounds desperate and wrecked and Poe doesn’t know what he _wants_.

Letting himself sink forward again, Poe tucks his face into the crook of Ben’s neck, breathes in the smell of his skin. “Let me be here for you. Let me…”

_Don’t leave me,_ Poe thinks. _We can make this work. Whatever’s wrong, we can fix it._

But Ben doesn’t say anything more, not really, just, Poe, please, I’m sorry. He presses kisses all over Poe’s body and leaves bruises with his hands, says, _I will hurt you_ and _I’m sorry_ alternately with his body and then in the morning, he’s gone.

Poe wakes up in his bed alone with black-and-blue marks in the shape of Ben’s fingers and wonders what he had done wrong.

-

Later, Poe will think he should have tried harder.

_**End** _

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Tumblr [here](http://serceleste.tumblr.com)! Come talk to me if you want! I take prompts!


End file.
